If This Isn't Nice, What Is?
Or How I hate the Holidays
Hello Friends!
Welcome back to my attempt at building up a regular writing schedule. I’m still trying to figure out the shape and the purpose of what this regular email newsletter is going to be. Last week I sat here and I looked at the blinking cursor and didn’t know which of the many directions to take another weekly message, so instead I just scrolled Instagram, Indeed and LinkedIn & watched the clock of the week run down. I think I’ve figured it out for this week! Let’s talk about HOLIDAYS!
No clever post title this week, to sucker you all in, a trick I learned from the marvelous music publicist Jamie Coletta from No Earbuds PR company. In a sea of press releases that all look and sound the exact same, I would always get these wonderful emails from Jamie titled, “Hey! What’s up!” or “I’ve got a surprise for you!” or something of the sort. You’d HAVE TO CLICK ON IT TO SEE WHAT’S UP, and inside you’d be greeted with a favorite band, album or video from an artist you loved or would just be discovering. I’ve been aping her style for a little bit, but after the many, many email replies from folks either annoyed by my clever messaging title or who wrote me back in detail how their lives were, I felt bad for the ruse. So going forward, I’ll try not to be so tricksy, when trying to get you to read my over caffeinated drivel.
(If you’re a musician and need PR work, Jamie is THE BEST. I absolutely ADORE working with her. Most of my biggest breaks came thanks to her. She’s an unsung hero of the punk/indie world. Thank you Jamie for all your hard work!)
For this week’s long read, I want to start out with my favorite Kurt Vonnegut quote, and I know this is two Vonnegut quotes in a row! I doubt this will be a regular thing, but for this week… it fits.
“My Uncle Alex, who is up in Heaven now, one of the things he found objectionable about human beings was that they so rarely noticed it when times were sweet. We could be drinking lemonade in the shade of an apple tree in the summertime, and Uncle Alex would interrupt the conversation to say, "If this isn't nice, what is?"
So I hope that you will do the same for the rest of your lives. When things are going sweetly and peacefully, please pause a moment, and then say out loud, "If this isn't nice, what is?” -Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Last week Claire and I were chatting as we drove home from dinner with a friend. We talked about our the holidays. We talked about the stressful family get togethers of our youth and how we enjoy our quite days at home alone.
“That’s fine with me, I don’t really like the holidays anyways.”
“That’s true. You don’t really like any holidays…”
“I like Halloween!”
“Do you? You don’t really like to dress up!”
“I dunno. I cared so much more when I was younger and now that I’m older… I just don’t… care.” I was driving, but I’m sure I shrugged as I said it.
I do like Halloween, but I don’t need to make a big deal out of it anymore. I’m fine with dressing up with whatever thing I threw together at the last minute. I just don’t need Halloween in the same way as I did when I was younger. I wanted to be SEEN on Halloween! But now I’m good hanging out in the shadows, vibing on the rest of the energy of whatever room we are within.
What other holidays do I like? I guess New Years Eve, but even that… We’re usually home by 10pm now and that’s also fine! My Fear of Missing Out has dissipated and I’m happy going home and just spending time with my loves. It’s nice getting older. ;)
I always get the stink eye from folks when I talk about my extreme dislike of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Growing up, they were always so damned stressful. My memories of those holidays is of screaming, fighting, and hurt feelings. Even if there wasn’t fighting, there was always that sense of dread that the FIGHTING could start at any minute.
Sometimes as kids running around being the little shit that we were, our childishness could ignite the fighting or just be the catalyst for whatever was simmering under the surface. Suddenly our father (or another adult barely keeping it together) would explode and we’d cower for our safety from the fighting. I remember hiding in my room pissed off or hurt about one thing or another. It’s those memories I remember about the holidays as a kid. Worried about the next fight, dreading the stress of the house while the adults strive to impress the other family members with a perfect dinner. It was suppose to be this celebration, but all I remember about the holidays growing up is the stress and disappointment.
Most of the folks my age have similar stories, so I know I wasn’t unique in my experiences, but as I grew up the more and more I thought, “Holidays are bullshit.”
It got even worse as I grew up and moved into the world of grocery store retail life around the holidays. I’ve worked for Sam’s Club, Costco & Whole Foods around the holidays.
Have you ever had a rich white man yell in your face the day before Thanksgiving because you’re out of the organic Cranberry sauce they get every single year? I have lost count at how many times I’ve been yelled at for “RUINING OUR HOLIDAY!!!” because the store was out of a particular item… Like, isn’t this suppose to be about love and family?
Late that night, Long after Claire fell asleep, I thought about our drive home and our conversation about the Holidays. “What Holidays do I celebrate? What days are important to me?” My favorite Vonnegut quote (the one from above) once again popped into my head. It dawned on me I might not celebrate the traditional holidays, but I still celebrate the things that matter most to me and my life.
That’s why I celebrate today, November 25th, as one of the most important “Holidays” in my life. Hell, it might be the most important day of my life.
It’s my Darling friend Chelsa’s birthday! She’s one of the most important people in my life, and most importantly she introduced me to her “sister/cousin” Claire many many years before in Ocala, Florida.
Oh and November 25th also just happens to be the day that Claire and I hung out as friends for the very first time.
It’s the day that would change everything and it would all happen because of Elvis Costello and a handful of free concert tickets. The rest is written in the annuals of history.
We had a fantastic evening at the concert. I couldn’t tell you a thing about the show, but I remember spending those moments with Claire and it felt right. It felt comfortable. It felt real, almost instantly.
At the end of the evening, I would walk her outside to her Lyft. The liquid courage racing through my veins, I asked her if she’s like to actually go out with me. She exclaimed she was “kind of seeing someone,” and ran off to her waiting car.
Weeks later I had an extra ticket to go see Ron Funches at Comedy Works. Remembering how much fun we had at Elvis Costello, I asked her to go with me and we had a plutonic blast!
We would stay friends and chat via text for the next few months. Claire would eventually message me that she had a dream about me and in that dream we made out pretty hardcore! She mentioned that we should probably make out the next time we hung out!
It would be a couple of months before we finally made that dream come true on the “longest, wickedest street in America,” Colfax Avenue. With a belly full of PBR and Pizza, we moved in closer and locked lips as we once again waited for her Lyft to arrive.
We hit the ground running. That first kiss happened June 5th, 2019. We would move in together on February 1st, 2020. The world would shut down around March 14th, 2020 and we were in it together. Thank goodness.
As I write these words, you’d expect me to have Elvis Costello playing in my earbuds, but no… It’s so much more poetic. I’m listening to Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Now That I Found You,” as I type these words and think about our lives together and those faithful nights. Hell our first trip together as a “couple” was to Austin, Texas for my 38th birthday to see Carly Rae Jepsen. We stayed with our dear friend Chelsa, who is still all these years weirded out that we’re even together. ;)
We didn’t know then what big momentous occasions these moments would be in our lives. As the song blasts in my ears… I can safely say that I left those moments excited, full of life and dreaming of the promise for the future.
I’d like to think that in those moments I thought to myself, “If this isn’t nice, what is?”
Today marks SIX years since Claire kept her word and tagged along with me to that concert. It’s been one hell of an adventure. We lived together through a world-wide pandemic. We moved cross country together and now we’re working on building a life in Northern California. We’ve grown in so many ways we could have never imagined.
But it’s not all perfect. We fought A LOT earlier this summer. I remember being SO PISSED OFF AT CLAIRE for something she said to me. I didn’t talk to her for two or three days, I was so mad. I’ll tell you with great honesty, that I have absolutely no idea what we were fighting about other than the stressors of life. It was so important to me, that we didn’t speak for days and when we did it was yelling. A few months later? Not a single damned clue what we fought about. Since then, we got over that hump and we’ve been doing fairly well together! I think we’re stronger and closer than ever before. I don’t take those moments for granted. I know this is something worth working on and working for. I want to keep growing and moving with this human and her cat.
When I’m with her, I feel at home. She knows me better than anyone else on this planet. Being with her just feels right. I hope that feeling continues. I work at it every day, and when I forget… She lets me know about it. She keeps me honest. She keeps me humble. She keeps me ridiculous. Seriously, I’m so much more myself with her than with anyone else. The things she knows about me, the things she’s seen me do in my underwear.. haha.
To think, It all started so many years ago at a backyard wedding in Florida. I remember this red haired woman bursting into the house. I remember asking, “WHO’S THAT!!!!!?” to which my my friend Callie told me to Shush. We don’t know what seeds we’ll plant that will take, which ones will grow. We ask the universe for love and guidance and sometime the universe listens and answers you… You just have to know how to listen. I’d like to think I’ve gotten better at listening.
No, I don’t like the major holidays. So we’ve just worked hard to make new holidays. We’ve made them together. Today is a Holiday. June 5th is a Holiday for us. February 1st is a holiday for us. June 22nd is another wonderful Holiday (Her birthday)! We have all these little momentous occasions that we celebrate every year.
Thursday is Thanksgiving. We’re going to eat drink and have a merry time, alone in our living room and matching pajamas. We’re going to watch some of our favorite movies, take naps and enjoy spending the day together. It sounds really lovely, but it could be ANY day. It just happens to be THANKSGIVING that we’re choosing to celebrate each other.
For a long time, this above photo was the lock screen on my phone. I had picked up a job as a server at an upscale cocktail bar in Napa. I hated the job. I hated it every single day. I thought every single day that I should quit that job, and never go back. But I was broke and I needed the money. This photo would become a regular reminder of what I'm working towards. I wrote these words on Facebook a few years back and I still really love them, “I don't celebrate Christmas in a traditional sense, but I celebrate this lady every day. Here's to another year of adventures in California.”
So friends, if you’re like me and you absolutely fucking HATE THE HOLIDAYS as I do, I hope you can stop and look around at your life from time to time. Find those small moments that matter to you, those small little moments that really feel like something special is happening. It might be the love of your life asleep on your arm and you have to pee, but you don’t want to disturb her or the kitty in your lap. So you just sit there and try to enjoy the moment. It’s those small moments that really and truly matter in life. Those are the moments I will take with me and cherish within my own life.
I hope you find those small moments in your own life and celebrate them with us this holiday season. Any day can be a holiday, as long as you have something to celebrate. I’m glad to celebrate this life with this wonderful woman and Dick The Cat.
Thank you Chelsa for introducing me to the love of my life. Thank you Elvis Costello for bringing us together. Thank you Carly Rae Jepsen for being our soundtrack. Thank you Claire for taking me up on my free ticket offer. You were right. I did think you were a babe. I still do.
It’s been a wonderful SIX YEARS+ of friendship, love and adventures. I can’t wait for the next six years.
“If this isn’t nice, what is?”
We’ll be back soon with more stories and life lessons like this one. Maybe some stuff not about the lady love next time? Maybe we’ll get more into how I discovered the man who raised me as my father wasn’t really my biological father and I didn’t find out till I was 38! Or maybe I’ll write about my vasectomy and why I think more men should get them. Or maybe I’ll write about all the damned horror movies I’ve been watching lately. What about my job hunting struggles and what you can learn from me? Perhaps we’ll drop some best of lists for the end of the year? Who knows!!!!
I don’t! I’m still trying to figure out the shape of this thing and what it’s all about. Thanks for signing up and joining while at 43, I’m still trying to figure out just who the hell I am. But I really do feel like I’m on the right road at long last.
Thank you to Claire for helping me understand my compass better. I love you and I can’t wait for six more years of adventures.
xoxo,
Gossip Girl.
-Dammit Damian.
